Psychmom Reflections

Good parent articles

Every once in a while I receive a newsletter by e-mail or read an article on a magazine titled something like: 5 Ways to Know If You Are A Good Parent.  The truth is I usually never read the article that follows, but instead wonder: Is there such a thing?  Can we really judge a parent using a 5 or 6 item checklist?  At least not in my parenting world.  Parenting is so much more that that.  First of all, our job as parents is 24/7 and it definitely involves more than 5 or 6 things that belong to a checklist.  Secondly, most of us try hard to do be the best parents we can be.  We read parenting articles, books, look for information in the web and ask our friends for ideas on how to deal with different situations.  So even if we meet only 4 of the 6 criteria, but are trying hard to be our best, that does not make us a not so good parent.  Being a parent takes a lot of heart, time, effort and definitely much more than using only 5 or 6 skills.  Therefore, if I were to create my own heading for an article relating to parenting, it would read something like: 5 Skills That Will Help You be the Best Parent You Can Be, because the list is really never ending....  Limiting the concept of becoming a good parent to a checklist consisting only of 5 or 6 skills is, in my opinion, undermining the concept of parenting since the list is really quite extensive and the job is not that simple.

Safety is not negotiable

Yesterday I walk in the kitchen to find my toddler holding a butcher knife he found in the dishwasher.  NOT GOOD!!!  I wish they had dishwasher child locks, but I haven't found one that fits mine yet.  As I walk towards him to get the very dangerous knife he was holding, I prepare myself for the huge tantrum awaiting.  Toddlers don't like to be told what to do, it's part of the developmental stage they're in.  They can only see things from their perspective while establishing themselves as separate entities.  In other words, they want to do only what they want to do, no questions asked....  All things considered, I decided to take away the knife and deal with the tantrum later.  Even though my background as a psychologist makes me more of a negotiator, I have one golden rule: "Safety is not negotiable." I proceed to take away the knife and ignite the expected tantrum.  Believe it or not, in the midst of the screaming I told my son in a very calm voice that knives are not for playing because they're dangerous.  Even if they don't seem to listen, it's a good idea to explain your behavior in a nice tone of voice because you model appropriate behavior.  However, don't keep explaining yourself because then you reinforce the tantrum and you definitely don't want to do that.  Of course, even after the explanation, my son kept on screaming and crying for a while, so I applied another golden rule: IGNORE TANTRUMS.  Let me repeat myself, the BEST way to get rid of tantrum-like behavior is to ignore them because if you don't reward the behavior it becomes extinct (what an excellent word if you are referring to tantrums!!).  After the yelling and screaming subsides, you can direct your child to another more appropriate behavior and hopefully that's the end of that.  Also, tantrums will definitely diminish in duration if you're consistent enough in ignoring them, because kids eventually understand that when you turn way it means you are NOT giving in.  All in all, when it comes to choosing between safety and tantrum-like behaviors, one should definitely go for the former.  What's 2-5 minutes of tolerating screaming and crying when compared to an emergency room visit?  Been there, done that! (plenty of times...) I'll take the screaming anytime.  At least a tantrum only takes 5 minutes to go away (and no medication to administer!).

Men are from Mars

I could sense there was something wrong by the look in my husband's face as he came out of the bathroom with my oldest son.  His expression sent an "It wasn't easy" kind of message.

"What happened?", I said

"You know those things they put in the urinals in the men's bathroom?", he said.

"No clue, haven't been to one lately." I didn't like where this was going.

"He touched it."

"What?"

"Yeah, the tablet thing that takes away the smell."  I couldn't believe it.  The first thing that came to my mind was that this situation wouldn't have occurred under my supervision.  However, it wouldn't have been fair to verbalize my thoughts at that moment considering my husband's "I'm not proud of this" expression.

"What were you doing when this was happening?"

"I was going to the bathroom next to him."

"Did you wash his hands?" I actually sounded very calm considering the situation at hand.

"Yes", he said.

"Did you wash them very well?" I couldn't contain myself from somehow expressing what I thought.

"Of course I did", he replied

I have to admit I was absolutely grossed out by the thought of my son touching the urinal tablet and was very much inclined to insult my husband.  However, most father's (I don't want to generalize, so please don't be insulted) have a special way of looking after their kids that doesn't usually involve attention to details.  For example, details such as as keeping your clothes clean and eating healthy foods.  But as mentioned in the book Raising Boys,  this male-like approach to childrearing contributes positively to a child's development.  That is, a father's playfulness, lack of attention to detail and occasional bending of rules contributes to the development of the more tolerant easy going side of a child's character.  So, all things considered, I decided to pick my fights, let it go, and look at the positive side of the situation.  My child's bonding with his father (even with the urine tablet episode) will hopefully contribute to his healthy, well-balanced emotional development.  Let's just pray next time his contribution doesn't involve contaminants....

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Oh the laughter....

Children are like shining stars that brighten even our dullest days.  Yesterday I was having one of those painful days women have once a month that go along with a severe mood change caused by a hormonal imbalance.  Yeah, you know, one of those days that you're not feeling that HOT!!!  However, I decided to take my kids to the pool because my oldest one is out of school in spring break. 

After a while of playing and having fun, my oldest son turns to me and says: "Mom, I want to get inflated."

I look at him and say: "What?" ( By the way, that's exactly how I felt, inflated...so I start laughing) 

Then he tells me: "INFLATED.  I WANT TO GET INFLATED, MOM." (As if it was taking too much effort to get his point across.) 

I said, trying to hold back the laughter,: "What do you mean honey?  Inflated like a balloon?"

He responded: "No MOM.  Are you crazy? (maybe, a little) Why would I like to get inflated like a balloon? (exactly my point)  I want to get inflated like the swimming teacher taught me, on top of the water."

I started laughing and said: "Oh, you mean floating."

"Yes, floating."

He realized he was confused and we both started laughing.  If only for a couple of minutes, I forgot about the dullness I felt or my current "inflation" state.  This laughter exchange was a bonding experience that made my pain disappear momentarily.  Children have a special way of making us laugh.  A natural and innocent way that makes the laughter special, contagious and even therapeutic.

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Playground manners

I still feel the pain of my son's encounter with rejection 20 min. ago.  It's one of those first timers you never forget, or at least that's how I feel now.  We were at a playground we seldom visit and my son was trying to play with three other kids his age. Since the other children were friends from school, they formed a "gang" and didn't want my son in their playgroup.  As I watched from a distance, I felt heartbroken.  "My baby is being left out and suffering", I thought.  I couldn't take it and wanted to intervene, but I also wanted my son to be confident and learn to handle situations such as this on his own.  Instead, I stayed close and watched the interaction to make sure things didn't get too mean.  The other mothers, whose kids were making fun and being mean to my son, were socializing on the other side of the park, so they were not aware of the situation. 

I have to admit that I had to intervene twice, once because safety was an issue and the other because the name calling got out of hand.  The rest of the time I watched from the sidelines trying to be unnoticed.  However, I noticed how my son used his words (not actions) and was very assertive in expressing his thoughts and feelings to the other children.  On several occasions he said: "That's not a nice thing to say" and "I don't like what you're saying."   Finally, one the other children's mother realized what was going on and intervened.  Then all the kids started playing and became friends.  When we left, I heard how one of the kids said to my son: "You are my friend. I will not forget you."  He was so happy.  He worked hard to play with the kids and now he was part of the gang....  Needless to say, I was extremely proud of him, not only because he stood up for himself, but because he was able to do it on his own.  Moreover, I was also proud of myself because watching my son being left out was a very hard thing to do, and instead of just reacting I was able to make this a learning experience for him.  He learned that being assertive pays back, and more important that he can stand up for himself.....  Sometimes you just have to step back.....

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The Truth About Television

Recent research explains the effects of television for children under two years old, but for the older crowd, it's not so bad after all.  It is more a matter of maintaining a quality check and control the time of exposure.  Parents and caretakers should determine how much screen time is enough for their child considering they should also be exposed to outdoor play, family events, sports and other social activities.  (By screen time, I mean activities that involve sitting in front of a screen; such as watching TV, playing video games or sitting in front of a computer.)  It is extremely important that children develop skills that will help them thrive as social individuals, so they need to communicate verbally (not through texting) to other human beings.  Also, they need to develop real relationships with real feelings and real people, which is only possible through constant human contact and not possible when screen time is excessive.  On the other hand, screen time provides a child with learning experiences, such as development of visual motor skills (video games), computer skills, language development and social skills (they learn these vicariously through a character's experience).  The fact of the matter is that children's television programs can be very educational in and of itself.  For example, programs such as Barney and Sesame Street provide a wealth of eduacational content.  Moreover, parents can use television scenes to explain or teach different types of appropriate behavior and feelings (also known as vicarious learning).  For example, the other day, while watching Problem Child, I found various scenes that were useful in teaching my oldest son appropriate behavior and how misbehaving affects other people's feelings.  Finally, screen time provides both, parent and child, with a space to relax and hopefully enjoy an individual activity.  Nonetheless, sharing screen time, like watching a program together or playing a video game, can be a a  priceless bonding opportunity.  Thus, classifying children's screen time as all bad is a bit drastic.... it's more a matter of controlling the quality and screen exposure time as well as making the best out of it.

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Logical Consequences Sweetspot

Since coming up with logical consequences that work requires lots of creativity and on-the-spot improvisation I thought it might be a good idea to create a logical consequences bank we can all use as reference.  This way, when we are in desperate need of an idea we just have to check the bank and see if another experienced mother can help.  We need everyone's help, so don't be afraid to join.  There will be PRIZES for the parent with THE MOST contributions and also for the most CREATIVE......

If you want to participate:

1. Write a comment to this post in the comments link below with your logical consequence that includes the misbehavior, the logical consequence and your child's reaction.

2. Include your email address so I can contact you in case your in for the PRIZE.  (don't worry, I won't publicize your address unless you ask me to)

3. Let me know if you want me to include your name or URL address next to your idea or if you'd rather remain anonymous.

Once I receive your submission, I will review it (only child friendly consequences are accepted) and include it in the bank, so please check the logical consequences bank page frequently for additions and ideas.....Also, forward this link to your friends so they can participate and contribute to the creation of our logical consequences bank.

Prizes will be announced April 30th....

Consequences

Coming up with the right consequence for misbehavior is one of the greatest parental challenges.  As parents, we provide consequences in order to help our children correct misbehavior while teaching them about the nature of choices.  However, sometimes our consequences are not effective.  In my experience, logical consequences are great at teaching a child about choices and correcting misbehavior.  For example, yesterday my two year old got upset while eating dinner and threw the plate (french fries, chicken nuggets and ketchup) on the floor.  My husband and I were shocked that our little one was developing quite a temper so soon.  Even though at first I felt like screaming because the floor, who had just been cleaned, was covered with ketchup; I took a deep breath and a minute to think about a logical consequence for this behavior.  Then, with a firm tone of voice I told my son that I didn't like him throwing food on the floor and that he needed to get wipes right away to clean it up.  To my surprise, even at two years of age, he absolutely understood and went for the wipes.  Of course, after cleaning the ketchup lagoon for a while, he got tired and stopped.  Then, I went to him and said: "Oh no, you need to clean all the mess.  If you don't like cleaning, then you don't throw it."  I had to help him but he did most of the work.  The next day, he was about to do it again when I said: "If you throw it, remember you will clean it.  Do you want to clean it?", to which he responded with a clear no.  I said: "Then, don't throw it." He didn't.

In my experience, logical consequences are the hidden treasure of behavior management.  People don't use them as often as they should and they work every time.  Instead, parents frequently use time-outs without realizing that they are only logical when the child needs a time out of a certain situation because he/she is misbehaving (ex. playgroup).  Otherwise, time-outs can become the easy way out because kids don't have to fix their mistake or practice doing it the right way.  With logical consequences, they not only fix their mistake but learn from the procedure. It's true that coming up with consequences that are logical takes a lot of creativity and on-the-spot improvisation, but once parents get used to it, it becomes second nature.

Keep it simple

So much to say, so little time...Communication with our children should be kept short and simple.  Specially if they're young, and their short attention span makes it difficult for them to pay attention to long sermons.  The rule of thumb is that children's attention span is, at most, one minute per year for things they find boring.  That is, a five year old's attention span is, at the most, five minutes.  If your communication seems too complicated and/or long, your child will only hear bla, bla, bla.  You are better off saying: "please pick up your room now," than explaining why it's necessary to clean the room and the consequences it will have latter on in life.  Thus, your chances of being heard increase greatly if you keep it simple.  It's definitely worth the try.

PD. By the way, this sometimes works with husbands too.....

The following video is a funny way of portraying all the things parents have to say and how bla, bla, blaish we sometimes sound to our kids.  No wonder we're exhausted at night.  Enjoy....