Psychmom Reflections

The Whining Solution

There's a time in almost every child's life when whining seems to be the answer to almost anything.  Kids use whining when they want something, when they don't want something or when they don't want someone, like a brother or friend, to do something.  At the beginning, the behavior is subtle and sporadic, but eventually, it becomes the communication standard.  Probably, because adult's are generally so irritated by the sound of a whining child that we give in fairly easily just to make it go away.  I have to admit, that even though I have learned and studied the principles of behavior management to a great extent, I am still at times guilty of giving in to whining.  In fact, just yesterday I noticed that my 5 year old was whining almost every time he wanted something.  I used to brag about how my boy was not a whiner, and now it is my turn to deal with the situation.  The behavior management principle behind it is simple: never reinforce behavior that you want to stop.  In this case, never give in to whining.  In other words, even when you are about to start screaming because this behavior is driving you insane, you should keep your calm and in a very consistent manner maintain your position of not giving in to whining.  In my experience, the best way to approach the situation is by telling your child that it is really hard for you to understand his request when he is using this tone of voice, and in order for you to help him he needs to use his regular voice.  Yes, that simple.  Usually these words will do, but if this doesn't work just repeat the words every time the whining begins.  Whatever you do, never give in to whining because then, you are reinforcing the behavior and increasing the possibility of it happening again.  Moreover, your little one will probably test your limits the first couple of times you use this procedure, so be patient and stick to it because when they see that whining is not an effective method, the tone will go away.  I started to work on eliminating my son's whining yesterday and predict it will take me a couple of days before I see the behavior go away completely.  So, as they say at the end of a yoga class which usually leaves me peaceful and with a lot of patience, "namaste."

*The gesture namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. "Nama" means bow, "as" means I, and "te" means you. Therefore, Namaste literally means "bow me you" or "I bow to you."

Dirty can be fun

When you have kids, coping with dirt is like fighting a cold, you do a million things to keep it away but in the end, it gets back to you.  As I watched my kids play outside the other day I wondered how dirty can dirty be.  Well, the other day it was something like take out the hose and shower your kids in the backyard kind of dirty.  It had rained during the morning and my backyard was very muddy, not to mention the wet swings and slide.  After sitting at a restaurant for nearly three hours with two very active kids, a little fun and running around wouldn't hurt anyone.  As soon as my kids stepped on the grass outside I realized what I had gotten into.  They were both wearing nice polo shirts and shoes which were quickly covered with dirt.  They're hands were dirty, their legs were dirty, their faces were dirty and even their hair was somewhat dirty.  What a mess!  Nevertheless, they were having so much fun that I forgot the consequences of my decision.  After a while of running around and jumping on puddles it was time to go inside the house and shower.  I decided it would be better if I undressed my boys outside, cleaned their hands and feet, and left the dirty cloth outside for me to handle later.  On a regular day, I wouldn't allow my kids to go outside if it's muddy and dirty, but this day I was laid back and adventurous.  I wish I had a camera so I could picture their faces and the fun they were having, but still, it was one of those moments that I will cherish forever.  You see, when we have kids, we have to change the rules of the game sometimes.  Most adults live by a very strict set of rules leaving little room for exceptions.  While this helps us adapt and survive in our adult world, we sometimes forget that some of the best moments in life come to us when we decide to let go and just enjoy the moment.  No one is better at showing us how this is done than our kids.  Try to make this a rule rather than an exception and just concentrate on having fun with your kids every once in a while.  Let them show you how it is done and just play along.  They will love you for it and on top of that you get to have fun and enjoy their company.

Fostering Responsibility

As author Michael H. Popkin states in his book "Active Parenting Now": "the purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare our children to survive and thrive in the kind of society in which they live."  In order for us parents to accomplish this, we need to raise responsible children.  Putting it simply, we need to teach our kids to make choices that are good for them and for those around them.  Even though at first, this may sound abstract and complicated, the concept can be easily simplified for little ones.  For example, my five year old already understands that positive consequences follow when he makes good choices and that negative consequences follow when he makes bad choices.  How do you accomplish this?  It is quite simple.  Once your child, usually around the age of four, has the capacity to understand to some degree the definition of the words actions and consequences, explain it to them in very short and simple terms.  Sometimes simple drawings such as a happy face with an arrow leading to a happy face and a sad face with an arrow leading to a sad face will do.  Then, use the terms in  your everyday child rearing practices so it becomes familiar.  That is, when he misbehaves, point out his bad choice and then explain the negative consequence.  For example, when my five year old takes too long to eat his dinner, he uses up his time to read a book before going to bed.  I explain it to him in terms of his choice leading to a negative consequence.  Putting it in terms of their choices will empower them and they will soon learn to assume responsibility for their own actions in other areas of their life as well.  However good this system may sound, implementing it takes time and patience so be consistent and good results will follow.

Try it for a couple of days and let me know about your results....Good luck.

Brothers and Sisters

Watching the interaction between my kids makes my day every day.  Of course they fight like brothers every once in a while, but they also enjoy every minute they share together.  The experience of having two sons is new to me, since I was raised as an only child.  I always knew siblings fought a lot, because I could see how my friends acted around their brothers.  However, I never imagined the special way in which siblings need each other.  My children are only 5 and 2, but I can already picture them as the best of friends.  When the little one throws a tantrum, which is quite frequent these days, his brother tries to distract him so he can calm down.  When the big one is in school, the little one is always mentioning him and looking for him.  Not to mention the look on their faces when we pick the eldest one at school in the afternoon.  Every day they are extremely happy to see each other once again.  They love having each other around.  It provides them with confort, entertainment, fun, love and of course, someone to bother.  Yes, it is not all peaches and cream.  However, from a psychological point of view, brothers and sisters provide children with a scenario where they can learn and rehearse social skills.  That is, children take advantage of this safe relationship to practice skills like listening, sharing, playing, taking turns, compromising, following rules and limit setting, among others.  So, fighting over things like who's turn it is to watch tv or play in the computer is just part of this learning process.  As a parent, you should use it as an opportunity to teach your children different social skills.  For example, fighting over the tv is a good time to teach your child about taking turns and compromising.  Of course this takes a lot of effort.  It is harder than sending everyone to a time-out without discussing the situation.  However, in the long run, a child whose social skills have developed appropriately will be a better adapted member of our society.  So, next time you see your kids fighting, instead of punishing them or thinking they don't like each other much, try to see the situation as a red flag alerting you to intervine and show your wisdom......

Unconditional Love

As I lay awake in my two year old's room at 5:45am this Sunday morning I thought about the concept of unconditional love.  Last night I had gone to bed late expecting my children to rise at around 7 am this morning, however, my baby decided to wake up at 5:30am instead.  Our children are the only ones that can make us do things otherwise unimaginable.  Who else can make us dress up as pirates, go to a Barney show or wake up at 5 am on a Sunday morning?  Definitely not our partners, spouses, employers or friends.  Parents and children have a special kind of bond that trascends rules and limitations.  The love they have for each other is unconditional.  This understanding is basic to children's emotional stability.  It is absolutely necessary for them to know they are unconditionallly loved by their caretakers in order for them to feel secure, accepted and protected.  That is, they need to know they are loved for who they are and not for what they do, and that this love will last forever.  When this happens, children feel free to explore the world around them, knowing they always have a secure base to come back to.  If not, they may feel unsafe, anxious and they're emotional stability is compromised.  So next time you feel tired and still wake up in the middle of the night to help your child cope with a nightmare or dress up for a school play, look at the big picture, you're actions help build a stronger bond with your child based on the unconditional love you have for him.  This is definitely what I'll do next time I have to wake up at 5 am on a Sunday morning.

Actions speak louder than words

Every once in a while, I hear a mother screaming at a child in the cash register line at the supermarket.  Among other things, she tells the girl, not to scream at her.  Can you believe this? A screaming mother is telling a child not to scream at her.  I personally found this situation appalling, until it happened to me.  The other day, my 5 year old, who has developed quite a preschool attitude already, screamed at me that he did not want to do as he was told.  I was so shocked by the behavior that I quickly forgot all my training in behavior management and active parenting and screamed back at him: "Do it right now and do not scream at me ever again."  Before I finished that last word, I had realized what a big mistake I had just made.  How can I tell my child not to do something I was doing myself?  To tell you the truth, at that time I felt quite stupid.  But as I always do when I feel I have made a mistake in disciplining my children, I went through the scenario in my mind again and analyzed what would've been the right thing to do.  Now I had a plan.  Next time my boy screams at me I will use a firm tone of voice (not loud), and tell him that screaming is not accepted in our family and that in order for me to listen to his demands, he needs to use an acceptable tone of voice and be respectful.  In other words, I will never again scream back at him not to scream at me because this would be doing the opposite of what I am asking him to do, and quite frankly,it does not make sense to adults or children.  This modeling rule applies for all behaviors.  If you wish your child to do something ,you have to be a role model yourself.  For example, you cannot teach your child to treat people nicely if you are not nice to others.  You cannot teach your child the importance of complying with the law and run a red light frequently.  You cannot tell your child to respect the authority of the teacher and talk bad about his teacher in front of him.  The list is endless and the principle seems to be a very simple one.  However, if we analyze our behavior daily, we realize, that if our actions really speak louder than our words, we could do a better job at role modeling for our children.

Yes baby, I am listening....

Once every so often I find myself pretending to listen to what my kids are saying while doing something else.  This is usually referred to as the art of multitasking, which in our days, is looked upon not only as a skill, but as a necessity.  However, if our kids had enough vocabulary to express themselves at an early age, they would probably refer to it as an insult.  The fact that they are young, in my case, 5 and 2, does not mean they are oblivious to the fact that you are only pretending to pay attention.  I remember once my 2 year old smacked closed my computer while I was checking my e-mail in an attempt to catch my attention.  Of course, any person would have been automatically upset by this behavior and would've proceeded to discipline the child.  Instead, I immediately realized what he was trying to tell me with his behavior and it goes something like this:  "Mom, I am tired of waiting for you to pay attention to me, so that's it, stop what you're doing right now."  It actually sounded like something I would say to my 5 year old when I am trying to get him to stop playing video games.  He was trying to get his point across the only way he knew how, so why discipline him.  Instead, I put his actions into words by saying: "Do you need mom to help you with something?"  He immediately said yes, so I decided to close my computer and pay attention.  He grabbed my hand and took me to the playroom's Thomas the Train table.  I proceeded to build him a train and offered 10 minutes of my undivided attention.  Not only was this bonding building experience immensely gratifying for me, but it payed off nicely.  After playing for a little while, I went back to check my e-mail and my son kept on playing on his own.  Of course, the undivided attention I could offer my computer was very limited, soon I had to go back to my son. 

At the precise moment we become parents, we make a commitment to be available to our kids at all times, even if this sometimes implies telling them we are busy but will be available later.  Multi-tasking is one way of being available to our children, while doing other chores, however it doesn't always work.  Sometimes, we just have to stop what we are doing and listen to what our kids are trying to say.  Actually, while I was writing this blog, I had to stop 5 times to take care of my little matters.  How I see it, it's only part of being a parent and most of the time whatever I am doing can wait.......

It goes by soooo fast

Once you decide you want to have a baby, you want to get pregnant right away.  Once you're on your 30th week of pregnancy you already want to give birth and see your baby.  Once your baby is born, you want him to start talking and crawling.  Once he crawls, you want him to walk.  Once he's terrible two's begin, you want him to start nursery.  Once he goes to nursery, you can't wait for him to start school. Then suddenly it hits you: he's now a boy and it all went by too fast. 

Yesterday, while I was waiting in my son's school pick up line, it hit me.  I could see him from a distance, playing with his 5 year old friends.  While I was in the car longing to see him, he was his own independent self, playing with his friends at school, probably not thinking that he wanted to see me already.  At that moment, I realized that the baby who was once showing signs of separation anxiety when his mother left had now created a world of his own and little by little he will not need me so much by his side anymore.  I understand he still loves me dearly, he just does not need me that much anymore.  On the one hand, I felt so proud of him for creating this social world on his own, but on the other hand, I felt nostalgia thinking about that baby who once needed me to get through the day.  At that moment, sitting in my car with my other baby on the back seat, I made a promise to myself that I would put on the brakes of my life more frequently to stop and savor the special moments I have with my children.  You see, we live on the edge, always in a race against time.  We get up in the morning and rush to school, then rush to work, then rush to basketball, then rush to dinner, and finally rush to get everyone to bed.  In the meantime, we forget to create or cherish those special moments, even if this means sitting back and observing what a good time your kids are having playing with each other in the morning.  This is too bad you see, because 20 years from now, we will have forgotten the times when we were rushing, but will never forget those treasured memories we chose to enjoy.  My kids will only be 5 and 2 for a small moment in time, so I plan to enjoy them everyday of my life.  Some people say we should enjoy every moment in life because we never know what will happen next.  I totally agree, but when it comes to children, not only should you enjoy them because you don't know what will happen next, but because you know what will happen; they will soon grow up to be totally independent and you're left with those cherished memories of their youth.  So next time I find myself wishing my kids go to the next stage, I will remember this moment in my car, where I realized the next step will come automatically and then you're longing to go back......

Why blogging is right for me

As a clinical psychologist and a mother of two beautiful boys, one that is five years old and one that turned two today, I certainly don't have much extra time for blogging.  Two years ago I put off a private practice for a while to raise my children.  However, since I was in the business of child raising, even though I don't get paid right now, I still enjoy practicing my career every day of my life.  Yes, every day issues come up with my children which require me to reflect on the developmental psychology principles I learned in school and to apply the parenting skills I taught parents during my clinical sessions.  Moreover, my experience as a mother has also helped me analyze these principles and the real life application of the parenting skills I was teaching.  That is, I learned first hand that every child is different and only a well designed potpurri of parenting skills can help parents succeed at the task of raising responsible and well adapted children who can make positive contributions to our society.  I certainly recognize that most parents try their best everyday to make this happen.  However, only a handful of us have had professional training on the matter.  And even those of us who have, frequently make mistakes on this lifelong journey.  That is how difficult I believe child rearing is.  It is by and large, the most difficult job in life, especially if you intend to be good at it.  During my past five years in this job I've served many times as consultant to close friends and family who come to me for professional guidance.  Most of the time, after I tell them the textbook answer to their question, I mention a familiar situation which I had experienced and how I handled it.  By doing this, I help them understand they are not alone, while at the same time, analyzing my own parenting practices.  Therefore, when I learned about blogging, I realized I could actually do the same but with a larger audience, so I decided to go ahead and try it.  Blogging puts together the two things that I enjoy the most, raising my children and teaching other parents how this is supposed to be done, so we can all raise responsible children with a bright future.  Let's see how it goes......