Psychmom Reflections

Oh the laughter....

Children are like shining stars that brighten even our dullest days.  Yesterday I was having one of those painful days women have once a month that go along with a severe mood change caused by a hormonal imbalance.  Yeah, you know, one of those days that you're not feeling that HOT!!!  However, I decided to take my kids to the pool because my oldest one is out of school in spring break. 

After a while of playing and having fun, my oldest son turns to me and says: "Mom, I want to get inflated."

I look at him and say: "What?" ( By the way, that's exactly how I felt, inflated...so I start laughing) 

Then he tells me: "INFLATED.  I WANT TO GET INFLATED, MOM." (As if it was taking too much effort to get his point across.) 

I said, trying to hold back the laughter,: "What do you mean honey?  Inflated like a balloon?"

He responded: "No MOM.  Are you crazy? (maybe, a little) Why would I like to get inflated like a balloon? (exactly my point)  I want to get inflated like the swimming teacher taught me, on top of the water."

I started laughing and said: "Oh, you mean floating."

"Yes, floating."

He realized he was confused and we both started laughing.  If only for a couple of minutes, I forgot about the dullness I felt or my current "inflation" state.  This laughter exchange was a bonding experience that made my pain disappear momentarily.  Children have a special way of making us laugh.  A natural and innocent way that makes the laughter special, contagious and even therapeutic.

****Don't forget to post a comment and subscribe to receive new posts****

Playground manners

I still feel the pain of my son's encounter with rejection 20 min. ago.  It's one of those first timers you never forget, or at least that's how I feel now.  We were at a playground we seldom visit and my son was trying to play with three other kids his age. Since the other children were friends from school, they formed a "gang" and didn't want my son in their playgroup.  As I watched from a distance, I felt heartbroken.  "My baby is being left out and suffering", I thought.  I couldn't take it and wanted to intervene, but I also wanted my son to be confident and learn to handle situations such as this on his own.  Instead, I stayed close and watched the interaction to make sure things didn't get too mean.  The other mothers, whose kids were making fun and being mean to my son, were socializing on the other side of the park, so they were not aware of the situation. 

I have to admit that I had to intervene twice, once because safety was an issue and the other because the name calling got out of hand.  The rest of the time I watched from the sidelines trying to be unnoticed.  However, I noticed how my son used his words (not actions) and was very assertive in expressing his thoughts and feelings to the other children.  On several occasions he said: "That's not a nice thing to say" and "I don't like what you're saying."   Finally, one the other children's mother realized what was going on and intervened.  Then all the kids started playing and became friends.  When we left, I heard how one of the kids said to my son: "You are my friend. I will not forget you."  He was so happy.  He worked hard to play with the kids and now he was part of the gang....  Needless to say, I was extremely proud of him, not only because he stood up for himself, but because he was able to do it on his own.  Moreover, I was also proud of myself because watching my son being left out was a very hard thing to do, and instead of just reacting I was able to make this a learning experience for him.  He learned that being assertive pays back, and more important that he can stand up for himself.....  Sometimes you just have to step back.....

*****Don't forget to leave your comment and subscribe for e-mail updates******

The Truth About Television

Recent research explains the effects of television for children under two years old, but for the older crowd, it's not so bad after all.  It is more a matter of maintaining a quality check and control the time of exposure.  Parents and caretakers should determine how much screen time is enough for their child considering they should also be exposed to outdoor play, family events, sports and other social activities.  (By screen time, I mean activities that involve sitting in front of a screen; such as watching TV, playing video games or sitting in front of a computer.)  It is extremely important that children develop skills that will help them thrive as social individuals, so they need to communicate verbally (not through texting) to other human beings.  Also, they need to develop real relationships with real feelings and real people, which is only possible through constant human contact and not possible when screen time is excessive.  On the other hand, screen time provides a child with learning experiences, such as development of visual motor skills (video games), computer skills, language development and social skills (they learn these vicariously through a character's experience).  The fact of the matter is that children's television programs can be very educational in and of itself.  For example, programs such as Barney and Sesame Street provide a wealth of eduacational content.  Moreover, parents can use television scenes to explain or teach different types of appropriate behavior and feelings (also known as vicarious learning).  For example, the other day, while watching Problem Child, I found various scenes that were useful in teaching my oldest son appropriate behavior and how misbehaving affects other people's feelings.  Finally, screen time provides both, parent and child, with a space to relax and hopefully enjoy an individual activity.  Nonetheless, sharing screen time, like watching a program together or playing a video game, can be a a  priceless bonding opportunity.  Thus, classifying children's screen time as all bad is a bit drastic.... it's more a matter of controlling the quality and screen exposure time as well as making the best out of it.

+++++Don't forget to comment on this post and subscribe for e-mail updates.....

Logical Consequences Sweetspot

Since coming up with logical consequences that work requires lots of creativity and on-the-spot improvisation I thought it might be a good idea to create a logical consequences bank we can all use as reference.  This way, when we are in desperate need of an idea we just have to check the bank and see if another experienced mother can help.  We need everyone's help, so don't be afraid to join.  There will be PRIZES for the parent with THE MOST contributions and also for the most CREATIVE......

If you want to participate:

1. Write a comment to this post in the comments link below with your logical consequence that includes the misbehavior, the logical consequence and your child's reaction.

2. Include your email address so I can contact you in case your in for the PRIZE.  (don't worry, I won't publicize your address unless you ask me to)

3. Let me know if you want me to include your name or URL address next to your idea or if you'd rather remain anonymous.

Once I receive your submission, I will review it (only child friendly consequences are accepted) and include it in the bank, so please check the logical consequences bank page frequently for additions and ideas.....Also, forward this link to your friends so they can participate and contribute to the creation of our logical consequences bank.

Prizes will be announced April 30th....

Consequences

Coming up with the right consequence for misbehavior is one of the greatest parental challenges.  As parents, we provide consequences in order to help our children correct misbehavior while teaching them about the nature of choices.  However, sometimes our consequences are not effective.  In my experience, logical consequences are great at teaching a child about choices and correcting misbehavior.  For example, yesterday my two year old got upset while eating dinner and threw the plate (french fries, chicken nuggets and ketchup) on the floor.  My husband and I were shocked that our little one was developing quite a temper so soon.  Even though at first I felt like screaming because the floor, who had just been cleaned, was covered with ketchup; I took a deep breath and a minute to think about a logical consequence for this behavior.  Then, with a firm tone of voice I told my son that I didn't like him throwing food on the floor and that he needed to get wipes right away to clean it up.  To my surprise, even at two years of age, he absolutely understood and went for the wipes.  Of course, after cleaning the ketchup lagoon for a while, he got tired and stopped.  Then, I went to him and said: "Oh no, you need to clean all the mess.  If you don't like cleaning, then you don't throw it."  I had to help him but he did most of the work.  The next day, he was about to do it again when I said: "If you throw it, remember you will clean it.  Do you want to clean it?", to which he responded with a clear no.  I said: "Then, don't throw it." He didn't.

In my experience, logical consequences are the hidden treasure of behavior management.  People don't use them as often as they should and they work every time.  Instead, parents frequently use time-outs without realizing that they are only logical when the child needs a time out of a certain situation because he/she is misbehaving (ex. playgroup).  Otherwise, time-outs can become the easy way out because kids don't have to fix their mistake or practice doing it the right way.  With logical consequences, they not only fix their mistake but learn from the procedure. It's true that coming up with consequences that are logical takes a lot of creativity and on-the-spot improvisation, but once parents get used to it, it becomes second nature.

Keep it simple

So much to say, so little time...Communication with our children should be kept short and simple.  Specially if they're young, and their short attention span makes it difficult for them to pay attention to long sermons.  The rule of thumb is that children's attention span is, at most, one minute per year for things they find boring.  That is, a five year old's attention span is, at the most, five minutes.  If your communication seems too complicated and/or long, your child will only hear bla, bla, bla.  You are better off saying: "please pick up your room now," than explaining why it's necessary to clean the room and the consequences it will have latter on in life.  Thus, your chances of being heard increase greatly if you keep it simple.  It's definitely worth the try.

PD. By the way, this sometimes works with husbands too.....

The following video is a funny way of portraying all the things parents have to say and how bla, bla, blaish we sometimes sound to our kids.  No wonder we're exhausted at night.  Enjoy....

What about tolerance?

I constantly worry about the kind of society in which we are raising our kids.  Yesterday I found a note on my windshield wiper that was placed by my parking neighbor while I was parked at a mall.  It read something like this: "You are an animal at parking. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. You don't know how to park your car."  I couldn't believe my eyes.  What kind of person would take the time to write this kind of note and put it in someone else's car?  Moreover, the alleged "crime" was parking one of my tires over the yellow line.  Not that big a deal, specially considering the narrow space available for parking.  We are living in a society were people are very defensive and have very limited amounts of patience and tolerance.  This is something worth worrying about considering that globalization makes the world "smaller" and even more patience and tolerance is necessary for us to survive and thrive.  Parents can definitely make a difference by teaching and modeling patient and tolerant behavior to their children.  For example, when driving, instead of being defensive and insulting, we can try to be patient and tolerant, specially if our kids are in the car.  It's true that some drivers make us run out of patience, but would it make a difference if you insult the person and get angry about it?  Not really.  Insulting the other driver isn't usually going to make him/her a better driver.  Instead, we can try to be more assertive, such as: "Next time you park, please try to stay inside your yellow line because I had trouble getting in my car."  A positive and assertive attitude fosters patience and tolerance, whereas an aggressive and negative attitude fosters intolerant behavior.  Considering the challenges our children face in today's society, it's a must that we teach them how to be assertive and tolerant.  What better way of starting than by showing them how it's done?   

Mistakes are for learning...

"If you have young children, give them help. guidance, and protection to the best of your ability, but even more important, give them space- space to be...Give them as much help and guidance as you can, but realize that you may also at times have to allow them to make mistakes" (A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle).  At times, when we are immersed in our parenting roles, we tend to forget the real nature of mistakes and try too hard to protect our kids from going down that road.  This is commonly known as overprotection and most of us, myself included, are guilty of it.  Worst yet, sometimes we don't realize that by overprotecting our children, we take away learning opportunities.  For example, the other day I went to my son's Pre-K classroom to celebrate his birthday.  Some of the children didn't like the sprinkles on the cupcakes and asked for my help in taking them out.  As I was starting to help them, the teacher asked me to please stop and explained that this was an excellent opportunity for them to practice visual motor skills.  Wow... I thought.  She was totally right.  How many times have I kept my sons from learning a new skill just by jumping in too quick?  Like for example, when they get into an argument with a friend, I should first try to let them solve it by themselves instead of intervening right away.  Also, when they show enthusiasm towards learning an advanced new skill, I should first let them try without my help instead of saying, "your not going to be able to do that, it's too hard for you."  Of course, I cannot beat myself up over past mistakes because the phrase: "mistakes are for learning" goes for parenting too.  However, next time I find it safe for my children to make a mistake, be it while trying out a new skill or solving a conflict, I will let them try first without intervening.  That is, as Eckhart Tolle brilliantly quoted in his book, I will give them space- space to be.

Bedtime Rocks...

Bedtime can be the best or worst time of the day for parents, usually depending on how well a bedtime routine is established.  If children are not used to a routine, a power struggle may begin once the parents announce it is time for bed.  That is, the whining begins, the crying begins and the asking for 10 extra minutes also begins.  The battle can go on for hours leaving both parent and child exhausted.  However, when parents are consistent and a bedtime routine is well established, kids fight it little or not at all, making bedtime one of the most precious experiences for both parent and child.  Personally speaking, bedtime tops my list.  First of all, I'm usually exhausted and ready to sit down and relax, at least for a couple of hours, before I go to bed and pass out.  Secondly, it is my special one-to-one cuddling time with my children making it one of those precious, wouldn't change it for the world, moments.  Establishing the routine is hard because it takes lots of patience and consistency, but once it is settled, it really pays off.  In our case, when it's time for bed we walk upstairs, brush his teeth, go potty and lie down for a book.  Then, I turn off the light, we cuddle and pray.  Afterwards, I stay for 5 minutes, kiss my son good night and leave.  Of course, it doesn't always work out perfectly and every once in a while he gets up, but I take him right back to his room, cuddle him up with a good night kiss and leave.  Most of the time, my kids go to bed without putting up a fight so I get to enjoy this peaceful one-to one time with them often. Sometimes I even wish someone was on their way to inventing a time machine, because I know that when they grow up and leave I will certainly miss this time of day....

Bedtime Must-Do's:

1. Decide on a time for bed.

2. Establish a routine such as brushing your teeth, reading, etc.

3. Give your child friendly reminders every 5 min. when there are 15 min. left.

4. Stick to your plan.  Remember consistency is key....

* If your child is old enough, he can help you come up with the plan.

Good luck........

Lessons from a child #2

Yesterday was so cold that we couldn't ski.  It was snowing, windy, visibility was terrible and the temperature was in the teens.  It was so cold, that we couldn't even walk around in town for a long time before our toes got frozen.  Nonetheless, I sent my son to ski school.  Yes, it sounds cruel, but he was very excited to go and I didn't want to hold him back. Since we were not skiing, my husband and I decided to head over to the bunny slope to take some pictures and video.  After watching my mushroom man (as the instructors call the kids because they look like little mushrooms when they put on their helmets), come down with his class down the slope, the teacher approached me to request I bring him an extra layer because he was cold.  Of course he was cold.  I should've known.  It was freezing outside. I felt terrible.  I couldn't believe I didn't go skiing because it was cold, but I sent my son to ski school.  I felt sooooo bad that I signed him out at half day and took him home.  When he came out of the "parents are not allowed" zone in the ski school, he was crying because his hands and feet were soooo cold.  Poor thing.  He was freezing.  However, instead of being upset with me for sending him to ski school in such a cold day, he was happy and glad that I went to pick him up early.  I couldn't believe it, I was upset with myself for sending him and he was not upset with me.  Kids have a way of forgiving that very rarely you see in adults.  This moment was definitely a lesson for me.  Maybe we should stop holding grudges so much and be more forgiving like our children....