Psychmom Reflections

Good parent articles

Every once in a while I receive a newsletter by e-mail or read an article on a magazine titled something like: 5 Ways to Know If You Are A Good Parent.  The truth is I usually never read the article that follows, but instead wonder: Is there such a thing?  Can we really judge a parent using a 5 or 6 item checklist?  At least not in my parenting world.  Parenting is so much more that that.  First of all, our job as parents is 24/7 and it definitely involves more than 5 or 6 things that belong to a checklist.  Secondly, most of us try hard to do be the best parents we can be.  We read parenting articles, books, look for information in the web and ask our friends for ideas on how to deal with different situations.  So even if we meet only 4 of the 6 criteria, but are trying hard to be our best, that does not make us a not so good parent.  Being a parent takes a lot of heart, time, effort and definitely much more than using only 5 or 6 skills.  Therefore, if I were to create my own heading for an article relating to parenting, it would read something like: 5 Skills That Will Help You be the Best Parent You Can Be, because the list is really never ending....  Limiting the concept of becoming a good parent to a checklist consisting only of 5 or 6 skills is, in my opinion, undermining the concept of parenting since the list is really quite extensive and the job is not that simple.

Safety is not negotiable

Yesterday I walk in the kitchen to find my toddler holding a butcher knife he found in the dishwasher.  NOT GOOD!!!  I wish they had dishwasher child locks, but I haven't found one that fits mine yet.  As I walk towards him to get the very dangerous knife he was holding, I prepare myself for the huge tantrum awaiting.  Toddlers don't like to be told what to do, it's part of the developmental stage they're in.  They can only see things from their perspective while establishing themselves as separate entities.  In other words, they want to do only what they want to do, no questions asked....  All things considered, I decided to take away the knife and deal with the tantrum later.  Even though my background as a psychologist makes me more of a negotiator, I have one golden rule: "Safety is not negotiable." I proceed to take away the knife and ignite the expected tantrum.  Believe it or not, in the midst of the screaming I told my son in a very calm voice that knives are not for playing because they're dangerous.  Even if they don't seem to listen, it's a good idea to explain your behavior in a nice tone of voice because you model appropriate behavior.  However, don't keep explaining yourself because then you reinforce the tantrum and you definitely don't want to do that.  Of course, even after the explanation, my son kept on screaming and crying for a while, so I applied another golden rule: IGNORE TANTRUMS.  Let me repeat myself, the BEST way to get rid of tantrum-like behavior is to ignore them because if you don't reward the behavior it becomes extinct (what an excellent word if you are referring to tantrums!!).  After the yelling and screaming subsides, you can direct your child to another more appropriate behavior and hopefully that's the end of that.  Also, tantrums will definitely diminish in duration if you're consistent enough in ignoring them, because kids eventually understand that when you turn way it means you are NOT giving in.  All in all, when it comes to choosing between safety and tantrum-like behaviors, one should definitely go for the former.  What's 2-5 minutes of tolerating screaming and crying when compared to an emergency room visit?  Been there, done that! (plenty of times...) I'll take the screaming anytime.  At least a tantrum only takes 5 minutes to go away (and no medication to administer!).

Men are from Mars

I could sense there was something wrong by the look in my husband's face as he came out of the bathroom with my oldest son.  His expression sent an "It wasn't easy" kind of message.

"What happened?", I said

"You know those things they put in the urinals in the men's bathroom?", he said.

"No clue, haven't been to one lately." I didn't like where this was going.

"He touched it."

"What?"

"Yeah, the tablet thing that takes away the smell."  I couldn't believe it.  The first thing that came to my mind was that this situation wouldn't have occurred under my supervision.  However, it wouldn't have been fair to verbalize my thoughts at that moment considering my husband's "I'm not proud of this" expression.

"What were you doing when this was happening?"

"I was going to the bathroom next to him."

"Did you wash his hands?" I actually sounded very calm considering the situation at hand.

"Yes", he said.

"Did you wash them very well?" I couldn't contain myself from somehow expressing what I thought.

"Of course I did", he replied

I have to admit I was absolutely grossed out by the thought of my son touching the urinal tablet and was very much inclined to insult my husband.  However, most father's (I don't want to generalize, so please don't be insulted) have a special way of looking after their kids that doesn't usually involve attention to details.  For example, details such as as keeping your clothes clean and eating healthy foods.  But as mentioned in the book Raising Boys,  this male-like approach to childrearing contributes positively to a child's development.  That is, a father's playfulness, lack of attention to detail and occasional bending of rules contributes to the development of the more tolerant easy going side of a child's character.  So, all things considered, I decided to pick my fights, let it go, and look at the positive side of the situation.  My child's bonding with his father (even with the urine tablet episode) will hopefully contribute to his healthy, well-balanced emotional development.  Let's just pray next time his contribution doesn't involve contaminants....

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