Psychmom Reflections

Logical Consequences Sweetspot

Since coming up with logical consequences that work requires lots of creativity and on-the-spot improvisation I thought it might be a good idea to create a logical consequences bank we can all use as reference.  This way, when we are in desperate need of an idea we just have to check the bank and see if another experienced mother can help.  We need everyone's help, so don't be afraid to join.  There will be PRIZES for the parent with THE MOST contributions and also for the most CREATIVE......

If you want to participate:

1. Write a comment to this post in the comments link below with your logical consequence that includes the misbehavior, the logical consequence and your child's reaction.

2. Include your email address so I can contact you in case your in for the PRIZE.  (don't worry, I won't publicize your address unless you ask me to)

3. Let me know if you want me to include your name or URL address next to your idea or if you'd rather remain anonymous.

Once I receive your submission, I will review it (only child friendly consequences are accepted) and include it in the bank, so please check the logical consequences bank page frequently for additions and ideas.....Also, forward this link to your friends so they can participate and contribute to the creation of our logical consequences bank.

Prizes will be announced April 30th....

Consequences

Coming up with the right consequence for misbehavior is one of the greatest parental challenges.  As parents, we provide consequences in order to help our children correct misbehavior while teaching them about the nature of choices.  However, sometimes our consequences are not effective.  In my experience, logical consequences are great at teaching a child about choices and correcting misbehavior.  For example, yesterday my two year old got upset while eating dinner and threw the plate (french fries, chicken nuggets and ketchup) on the floor.  My husband and I were shocked that our little one was developing quite a temper so soon.  Even though at first I felt like screaming because the floor, who had just been cleaned, was covered with ketchup; I took a deep breath and a minute to think about a logical consequence for this behavior.  Then, with a firm tone of voice I told my son that I didn't like him throwing food on the floor and that he needed to get wipes right away to clean it up.  To my surprise, even at two years of age, he absolutely understood and went for the wipes.  Of course, after cleaning the ketchup lagoon for a while, he got tired and stopped.  Then, I went to him and said: "Oh no, you need to clean all the mess.  If you don't like cleaning, then you don't throw it."  I had to help him but he did most of the work.  The next day, he was about to do it again when I said: "If you throw it, remember you will clean it.  Do you want to clean it?", to which he responded with a clear no.  I said: "Then, don't throw it." He didn't.

In my experience, logical consequences are the hidden treasure of behavior management.  People don't use them as often as they should and they work every time.  Instead, parents frequently use time-outs without realizing that they are only logical when the child needs a time out of a certain situation because he/she is misbehaving (ex. playgroup).  Otherwise, time-outs can become the easy way out because kids don't have to fix their mistake or practice doing it the right way.  With logical consequences, they not only fix their mistake but learn from the procedure. It's true that coming up with consequences that are logical takes a lot of creativity and on-the-spot improvisation, but once parents get used to it, it becomes second nature.

Bedtime Rocks...

Bedtime can be the best or worst time of the day for parents, usually depending on how well a bedtime routine is established.  If children are not used to a routine, a power struggle may begin once the parents announce it is time for bed.  That is, the whining begins, the crying begins and the asking for 10 extra minutes also begins.  The battle can go on for hours leaving both parent and child exhausted.  However, when parents are consistent and a bedtime routine is well established, kids fight it little or not at all, making bedtime one of the most precious experiences for both parent and child.  Personally speaking, bedtime tops my list.  First of all, I'm usually exhausted and ready to sit down and relax, at least for a couple of hours, before I go to bed and pass out.  Secondly, it is my special one-to-one cuddling time with my children making it one of those precious, wouldn't change it for the world, moments.  Establishing the routine is hard because it takes lots of patience and consistency, but once it is settled, it really pays off.  In our case, when it's time for bed we walk upstairs, brush his teeth, go potty and lie down for a book.  Then, I turn off the light, we cuddle and pray.  Afterwards, I stay for 5 minutes, kiss my son good night and leave.  Of course, it doesn't always work out perfectly and every once in a while he gets up, but I take him right back to his room, cuddle him up with a good night kiss and leave.  Most of the time, my kids go to bed without putting up a fight so I get to enjoy this peaceful one-to one time with them often. Sometimes I even wish someone was on their way to inventing a time machine, because I know that when they grow up and leave I will certainly miss this time of day....

Bedtime Must-Do's:

1. Decide on a time for bed.

2. Establish a routine such as brushing your teeth, reading, etc.

3. Give your child friendly reminders every 5 min. when there are 15 min. left.

4. Stick to your plan.  Remember consistency is key....

* If your child is old enough, he can help you come up with the plan.

Good luck........

Empty threats

The other day I saw a mother at the airport who tried, without success, to manage her son's behavior.  Not only was she not successful, but the defiant behavior quickly evolved into a huge tantrum.  The main reason, in my opinion, empty threats.  It all started when the 4 yr. old continued playing with his dad's computer even after his mother told him not to.  Time and time again she threatened him with punishment but never actually carried it out until after the 6th threat when she finally placed him on time out, but the boy quickly got up and started running around so he wouldn't be caught.  The mother then, out of desperation, started threatening the boy with hitting which once again did not happen until the 4th threat.  Yes, the mother did hit the child in Gate 21 while he was throwing a tantrum and "in the zone" (my interpretation of when a child cannot stop a tantrum).   Eventually, the father intervened with a calm voice that helped both the child and mother calm down.  The whole scene happened in a matter of minutes, but watching it felt like it lasted a couple of hours.  It could've been so simple, yet the mother's difficulty in managing her son's behavior made it worse.  Consistency is the key.  If you will only choose to follow one behavior management rule; be consistent.  The airport scene would've probably ended if the first time the mother threatened her son with a consequence she would've carried it out consistently.  That is, if you say that behavior X has consequence Y, you need to carry out consequence Y in the presence of behavior X, immediately.  No last chances, no changing consequences and no occasional acceptance of behavior, because if you do it frequently enough, you're increasing your chances of the behavior getting worse.  Not only will your words become "bla, bla, bla", but your child will not believe a word you say and therefore, will not follow the rules.  So, next time you threaten your child with a consequence, make sure your willing to carry it out right away and try not to say things like I heard a mom on a trip once say to a 6yr. old: "If you don't behave, I am sending you back home by yourself, " because we all know this is not possible....even a child.

The Whining Solution

There's a time in almost every child's life when whining seems to be the answer to almost anything.  Kids use whining when they want something, when they don't want something or when they don't want someone, like a brother or friend, to do something.  At the beginning, the behavior is subtle and sporadic, but eventually, it becomes the communication standard.  Probably, because adult's are generally so irritated by the sound of a whining child that we give in fairly easily just to make it go away.  I have to admit, that even though I have learned and studied the principles of behavior management to a great extent, I am still at times guilty of giving in to whining.  In fact, just yesterday I noticed that my 5 year old was whining almost every time he wanted something.  I used to brag about how my boy was not a whiner, and now it is my turn to deal with the situation.  The behavior management principle behind it is simple: never reinforce behavior that you want to stop.  In this case, never give in to whining.  In other words, even when you are about to start screaming because this behavior is driving you insane, you should keep your calm and in a very consistent manner maintain your position of not giving in to whining.  In my experience, the best way to approach the situation is by telling your child that it is really hard for you to understand his request when he is using this tone of voice, and in order for you to help him he needs to use his regular voice.  Yes, that simple.  Usually these words will do, but if this doesn't work just repeat the words every time the whining begins.  Whatever you do, never give in to whining because then, you are reinforcing the behavior and increasing the possibility of it happening again.  Moreover, your little one will probably test your limits the first couple of times you use this procedure, so be patient and stick to it because when they see that whining is not an effective method, the tone will go away.  I started to work on eliminating my son's whining yesterday and predict it will take me a couple of days before I see the behavior go away completely.  So, as they say at the end of a yoga class which usually leaves me peaceful and with a lot of patience, "namaste."

*The gesture namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra. The gesture is an acknowledgment of the soul in one by the soul in another. "Nama" means bow, "as" means I, and "te" means you. Therefore, Namaste literally means "bow me you" or "I bow to you."