Psychmom Reflections

Keep it simple

So much to say, so little time...Communication with our children should be kept short and simple.  Specially if they're young, and their short attention span makes it difficult for them to pay attention to long sermons.  The rule of thumb is that children's attention span is, at most, one minute per year for things they find boring.  That is, a five year old's attention span is, at the most, five minutes.  If your communication seems too complicated and/or long, your child will only hear bla, bla, bla.  You are better off saying: "please pick up your room now," than explaining why it's necessary to clean the room and the consequences it will have latter on in life.  Thus, your chances of being heard increase greatly if you keep it simple.  It's definitely worth the try.

PD. By the way, this sometimes works with husbands too.....

The following video is a funny way of portraying all the things parents have to say and how bla, bla, blaish we sometimes sound to our kids.  No wonder we're exhausted at night.  Enjoy....

What about tolerance?

I constantly worry about the kind of society in which we are raising our kids.  Yesterday I found a note on my windshield wiper that was placed by my parking neighbor while I was parked at a mall.  It read something like this: "You are an animal at parking. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. You don't know how to park your car."  I couldn't believe my eyes.  What kind of person would take the time to write this kind of note and put it in someone else's car?  Moreover, the alleged "crime" was parking one of my tires over the yellow line.  Not that big a deal, specially considering the narrow space available for parking.  We are living in a society were people are very defensive and have very limited amounts of patience and tolerance.  This is something worth worrying about considering that globalization makes the world "smaller" and even more patience and tolerance is necessary for us to survive and thrive.  Parents can definitely make a difference by teaching and modeling patient and tolerant behavior to their children.  For example, when driving, instead of being defensive and insulting, we can try to be patient and tolerant, specially if our kids are in the car.  It's true that some drivers make us run out of patience, but would it make a difference if you insult the person and get angry about it?  Not really.  Insulting the other driver isn't usually going to make him/her a better driver.  Instead, we can try to be more assertive, such as: "Next time you park, please try to stay inside your yellow line because I had trouble getting in my car."  A positive and assertive attitude fosters patience and tolerance, whereas an aggressive and negative attitude fosters intolerant behavior.  Considering the challenges our children face in today's society, it's a must that we teach them how to be assertive and tolerant.  What better way of starting than by showing them how it's done?   

Mistakes are for learning...

"If you have young children, give them help. guidance, and protection to the best of your ability, but even more important, give them space- space to be...Give them as much help and guidance as you can, but realize that you may also at times have to allow them to make mistakes" (A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle).  At times, when we are immersed in our parenting roles, we tend to forget the real nature of mistakes and try too hard to protect our kids from going down that road.  This is commonly known as overprotection and most of us, myself included, are guilty of it.  Worst yet, sometimes we don't realize that by overprotecting our children, we take away learning opportunities.  For example, the other day I went to my son's Pre-K classroom to celebrate his birthday.  Some of the children didn't like the sprinkles on the cupcakes and asked for my help in taking them out.  As I was starting to help them, the teacher asked me to please stop and explained that this was an excellent opportunity for them to practice visual motor skills.  Wow... I thought.  She was totally right.  How many times have I kept my sons from learning a new skill just by jumping in too quick?  Like for example, when they get into an argument with a friend, I should first try to let them solve it by themselves instead of intervening right away.  Also, when they show enthusiasm towards learning an advanced new skill, I should first let them try without my help instead of saying, "your not going to be able to do that, it's too hard for you."  Of course, I cannot beat myself up over past mistakes because the phrase: "mistakes are for learning" goes for parenting too.  However, next time I find it safe for my children to make a mistake, be it while trying out a new skill or solving a conflict, I will let them try first without intervening.  That is, as Eckhart Tolle brilliantly quoted in his book, I will give them space- space to be.

Bedtime Rocks...

Bedtime can be the best or worst time of the day for parents, usually depending on how well a bedtime routine is established.  If children are not used to a routine, a power struggle may begin once the parents announce it is time for bed.  That is, the whining begins, the crying begins and the asking for 10 extra minutes also begins.  The battle can go on for hours leaving both parent and child exhausted.  However, when parents are consistent and a bedtime routine is well established, kids fight it little or not at all, making bedtime one of the most precious experiences for both parent and child.  Personally speaking, bedtime tops my list.  First of all, I'm usually exhausted and ready to sit down and relax, at least for a couple of hours, before I go to bed and pass out.  Secondly, it is my special one-to-one cuddling time with my children making it one of those precious, wouldn't change it for the world, moments.  Establishing the routine is hard because it takes lots of patience and consistency, but once it is settled, it really pays off.  In our case, when it's time for bed we walk upstairs, brush his teeth, go potty and lie down for a book.  Then, I turn off the light, we cuddle and pray.  Afterwards, I stay for 5 minutes, kiss my son good night and leave.  Of course, it doesn't always work out perfectly and every once in a while he gets up, but I take him right back to his room, cuddle him up with a good night kiss and leave.  Most of the time, my kids go to bed without putting up a fight so I get to enjoy this peaceful one-to one time with them often. Sometimes I even wish someone was on their way to inventing a time machine, because I know that when they grow up and leave I will certainly miss this time of day....

Bedtime Must-Do's:

1. Decide on a time for bed.

2. Establish a routine such as brushing your teeth, reading, etc.

3. Give your child friendly reminders every 5 min. when there are 15 min. left.

4. Stick to your plan.  Remember consistency is key....

* If your child is old enough, he can help you come up with the plan.

Good luck........

Lessons from a child #2

Yesterday was so cold that we couldn't ski.  It was snowing, windy, visibility was terrible and the temperature was in the teens.  It was so cold, that we couldn't even walk around in town for a long time before our toes got frozen.  Nonetheless, I sent my son to ski school.  Yes, it sounds cruel, but he was very excited to go and I didn't want to hold him back. Since we were not skiing, my husband and I decided to head over to the bunny slope to take some pictures and video.  After watching my mushroom man (as the instructors call the kids because they look like little mushrooms when they put on their helmets), come down with his class down the slope, the teacher approached me to request I bring him an extra layer because he was cold.  Of course he was cold.  I should've known.  It was freezing outside. I felt terrible.  I couldn't believe I didn't go skiing because it was cold, but I sent my son to ski school.  I felt sooooo bad that I signed him out at half day and took him home.  When he came out of the "parents are not allowed" zone in the ski school, he was crying because his hands and feet were soooo cold.  Poor thing.  He was freezing.  However, instead of being upset with me for sending him to ski school in such a cold day, he was happy and glad that I went to pick him up early.  I couldn't believe it, I was upset with myself for sending him and he was not upset with me.  Kids have a way of forgiving that very rarely you see in adults.  This moment was definitely a lesson for me.  Maybe we should stop holding grudges so much and be more forgiving like our children.... 

Empty threats

The other day I saw a mother at the airport who tried, without success, to manage her son's behavior.  Not only was she not successful, but the defiant behavior quickly evolved into a huge tantrum.  The main reason, in my opinion, empty threats.  It all started when the 4 yr. old continued playing with his dad's computer even after his mother told him not to.  Time and time again she threatened him with punishment but never actually carried it out until after the 6th threat when she finally placed him on time out, but the boy quickly got up and started running around so he wouldn't be caught.  The mother then, out of desperation, started threatening the boy with hitting which once again did not happen until the 4th threat.  Yes, the mother did hit the child in Gate 21 while he was throwing a tantrum and "in the zone" (my interpretation of when a child cannot stop a tantrum).   Eventually, the father intervened with a calm voice that helped both the child and mother calm down.  The whole scene happened in a matter of minutes, but watching it felt like it lasted a couple of hours.  It could've been so simple, yet the mother's difficulty in managing her son's behavior made it worse.  Consistency is the key.  If you will only choose to follow one behavior management rule; be consistent.  The airport scene would've probably ended if the first time the mother threatened her son with a consequence she would've carried it out consistently.  That is, if you say that behavior X has consequence Y, you need to carry out consequence Y in the presence of behavior X, immediately.  No last chances, no changing consequences and no occasional acceptance of behavior, because if you do it frequently enough, you're increasing your chances of the behavior getting worse.  Not only will your words become "bla, bla, bla", but your child will not believe a word you say and therefore, will not follow the rules.  So, next time you threaten your child with a consequence, make sure your willing to carry it out right away and try not to say things like I heard a mom on a trip once say to a 6yr. old: "If you don't behave, I am sending you back home by yourself, " because we all know this is not possible....even a child.

The Best in Me

There is something about my children that brings out the best in me.  When I'm tired; I'm cranky around my husband and friends, but usually not around my kids.  When I am stressed out I tend to loose my patience, but not that much with my kids.  When I feel sick and lie down, I still get up and help my kids if they need me.  There are very few people who always bring out the best in me and my two kids top that list.  I am not sure if it is because I know they depend on me or because I try to be a good role model.  Probably a little bit of both.  Children look up to their parents for guidance, support and comfort.  We are the best example they have of what a woman and a man should be.  They think we are perfect beings and learn all our moves.  No pressure, right?  Well, the good news is that children are very forgivable, so they give us plenty of chances to show them how to behave. 

Letting go

What a horrible feeling that is, leaving your child in ski school for the first time.  You walk inside the child sports center feeling happy and proud that your son is now of age to take skiing lessons and will soon be able to go skiing with you.  You proceed to rent boots, rent skis, pay for the class and buy whatever extra equipment is necessary for your child to be comfortable and warm.  Then, it's time to LET GO.  My son's "I'm very scared" facial expression broke my heart, but even though I could totally understand him, I had to be strong.  I kept on telling him: "Every thing is going to be alright.  Mommy and Daddy will pick you up in the afternoon and you will have lots of fun."  Once the teacher came to pick him up and take him "under the rainbow" in the "Parents not allowed zone," his facial expression changed.  Behind his somewhat watery eyes, I could see the courage and confidence that resulted from the support and comfort provided by me and his father.  Letting go is one of the hardest things for parents.  The lists of what if's is never ending.  After all, we are absolutely responsible for the well being of our children.  However, there are times when you just have to let go.  We cannot protect our children from everything all the time because if we do, they won't develop the necessary skills they need to thrive in our society.  Instead, we need to work hard to get them ready to survive and protect themselves and when they do, they will feel proud and develop a high self-esteem.  There is absolutely nothing more rewarding for a child than mastering a new skill, and this only happens when we let go.  My son was now ready to explore and eventually master a new skill by himself, skiing.  Even though it was hard for me to let go, especially when I saw the scared look on his face, I was confident that he was able and ready to survive and protect himself in this environment.  As I turned around to head back home my strong and confident facade faded and I was once again the worried mother who hoped her son had a rewarding experience.  But even though I worried, I was able to let go.  Three days have gone by since he started ski school and I have not yet regretted the decision to take him that first day.  I am not worried when I drop him off anymore, because the "I am so proud of myself" smile on his face every afternoon reminds me he was definitely ready for this experience.

Teachings from a child

We can learn many things from our children if we just payed more attention.  Sometimes we are so caught up in the process of teaching them, we don't learn enough ourselves.  Last weekend, we were supposed to travel to Santo Domingo as a family for a wedding.  In the midst of all the preparations, I forgot to get my youngest son a passport.  Of course, after all the media coverage on traveling identification this past year, I should've known better.  However, preparing for a trip with two kids is to say the least, very complex, and I was thinking more about the medicines I needed to pack than about identification.  Also, when we had traveled to the Dominican Republic before all we needed was a birth certificate, so I thought I was good to go.  Nonetheless, beginning this past January, everyone traveling outside the US needs a passport and I was definitely in trouble.  The biggest problem was that we were all excited about this trip, especially my oldest son who was looking forward to spending some time at the beach with his cousins.  Now here we were at the airport, ready to check-in and the airline staff did not approve of my baby's identification.  We had to cancel our trip and go back home to spend the weekend as usual.  Needless to say, my oldest son threw a fit in the car blaming us for our negligent behavior.  He was absolutely right and evidently upset with the situation.  Dealing with disappointment is a very energy consuming task for an adult who tend to think about the situation over and over again trying to make it better, not to mention how long we can hold a grudge.  However, my son soon forgot about the issue when I suggested we go get some ice cream.  I was actually very impressed with his behavior.  He was still unhappy by what had happened but now he even laughed about it when he told his little friends.  I interpreted my son's attitude, after the ice-cream suggestion, as something like: "oh well!, what's done is done and there's nothing we can do about it, so let's get on with the good stuff"  What a lesson!  Even at such an early age, he could already see some things are just not worth staying upset about.  Good job son! YOU definitely taught me and your dad a lesson.  That day, we saw the canceled trip situation from a different angle, the angle that was taught to us by our son.  Moreover, we spent an awesome weekend at home....

GUILT

I was very excited about my upcoming ski trip to Colorado until it was time to drop off my youngest son at my mother's house. Until then, I had not realized how long seven days would feel like without my baby. My husband, my oldest son and I are going to meet my sister and her family for a family ski vacation and we decided that our baby was too young to go and was better off staying at home with his grandparents. However, as I was pulling into the driveway of my mother's house, I felt not only sad, because I was missing him already, but also GUILTY for leaving him behind. Even though I had analyzed the situation with my husband a couple of times, and was pretty sure I was making the right decision, I still felt guilty as I was dropping him off. Guilt...Oh, what a feeling that is for parents. It comes to visit us every once in a while, leaving us confused and challenging our confidence. As parents, we want to do everything textbook perfect when raising our children and when we feel we've done something wrong, the feeling of guilt knocks on our door. We constantly second guess our actions as parents and even look for "perfect recipes" on how to deal with everyday situations. The fact of the matter is, we are not perfect and child rearing is not part of most college curriculums. So, as long as we do what's in the best interest of our children, our job description is pretty much covered. Nonetheless, guilt still visits us every once in a while. But come to think of it, it is not all that bad since it keeps us constantly reflecting about our behavior and looking for answers that guide us through the process. I am now in the plane on my way to Colorado and already miss my baby. However, even though I am somewhat sad because I left him, after having analyzed the situation once more, I don't feel guilty anymore, since I feel leaving him with my parents was in his best interest. Especially in my 5 hour plane ride to Colorado which would've been somewhat difficult with a toddler....I still miss him though, and am looking forward to giving him a big hug and kiss when I return.