Psychmom Reflections

A little brother's perspective...

From a little brother's point of view, even a 5 year old seems huuuuge.  My two year old consistently mentions his older brother does "big" things and he does "little" things.  For example, the big pool, the big bike and the big scooter belong to his brother because he's "big," whereas he should stay in the baby pool, use the tricycle and the four wheeled scooter.  Eventhough I agree that my 5 year old is able to use some things that his younger brother does not yet know how to use, it blows my mind to think that my 5 year old is still a baby in my eyes but a very capable and experienced child in my 2 year old's eyes.  However, as parents, myself included, we sometimes fall into the "big brother trap" and place too much responsibility on the older child because the little one always follows.  How many times have we heard someone say: "you have to set the example" or "it is your fault, because your brother learns that from you?"  Although it is true that little brothers learn the good and the bad from the older ones, it should not be the oldest brother's but the parents responsibility to guide the behavior of siblings.  The other day, my oldest son kept getting up from his chair during dinner and took forever to finish his food.  Needless to say, his brother did the same.  My first reaction was to only correct the behavior of my oldest son because I knew the little one would follow.  I was wrong, and my son was the first one to correct me.  They were both responsible for the same behavior and they both needed correction.  It was MY responsibility to control both their behaviors' and not my oldest son's, so I proceeded to correct both their behaviors equally.  Correcting only the oldest one would not only generate feelings of resentment but would teach the little one he is not responsible for the consequences of his behavior. 

As parents, we sometimes forget to put ourselves in our children's shoes so we can understand the reason behind our kids feelings and behavior.  However, if we put ourselves in our oldest child's shoes every once in a while, it is not only annoying to have someone copy our every move, but very upsetting when we get blamed for things we don't do ourselves, resulting in sibling rivalry and resentment.  So next time you have to correct the behavior of a younger child, try not to use another child as reference.  Instead, just label the behavior and correct it.  Remember the little ones will always look up to the older siblings, but all of them will always look up to you....

Good parent articles

Every once in a while I receive a newsletter by e-mail or read an article on a magazine titled something like: 5 Ways to Know If You Are A Good Parent.  The truth is I usually never read the article that follows, but instead wonder: Is there such a thing?  Can we really judge a parent using a 5 or 6 item checklist?  At least not in my parenting world.  Parenting is so much more that that.  First of all, our job as parents is 24/7 and it definitely involves more than 5 or 6 things that belong to a checklist.  Secondly, most of us try hard to do be the best parents we can be.  We read parenting articles, books, look for information in the web and ask our friends for ideas on how to deal with different situations.  So even if we meet only 4 of the 6 criteria, but are trying hard to be our best, that does not make us a not so good parent.  Being a parent takes a lot of heart, time, effort and definitely much more than using only 5 or 6 skills.  Therefore, if I were to create my own heading for an article relating to parenting, it would read something like: 5 Skills That Will Help You be the Best Parent You Can Be, because the list is really never ending....  Limiting the concept of becoming a good parent to a checklist consisting only of 5 or 6 skills is, in my opinion, undermining the concept of parenting since the list is really quite extensive and the job is not that simple.

Safety is not negotiable

Yesterday I walk in the kitchen to find my toddler holding a butcher knife he found in the dishwasher.  NOT GOOD!!!  I wish they had dishwasher child locks, but I haven't found one that fits mine yet.  As I walk towards him to get the very dangerous knife he was holding, I prepare myself for the huge tantrum awaiting.  Toddlers don't like to be told what to do, it's part of the developmental stage they're in.  They can only see things from their perspective while establishing themselves as separate entities.  In other words, they want to do only what they want to do, no questions asked....  All things considered, I decided to take away the knife and deal with the tantrum later.  Even though my background as a psychologist makes me more of a negotiator, I have one golden rule: "Safety is not negotiable." I proceed to take away the knife and ignite the expected tantrum.  Believe it or not, in the midst of the screaming I told my son in a very calm voice that knives are not for playing because they're dangerous.  Even if they don't seem to listen, it's a good idea to explain your behavior in a nice tone of voice because you model appropriate behavior.  However, don't keep explaining yourself because then you reinforce the tantrum and you definitely don't want to do that.  Of course, even after the explanation, my son kept on screaming and crying for a while, so I applied another golden rule: IGNORE TANTRUMS.  Let me repeat myself, the BEST way to get rid of tantrum-like behavior is to ignore them because if you don't reward the behavior it becomes extinct (what an excellent word if you are referring to tantrums!!).  After the yelling and screaming subsides, you can direct your child to another more appropriate behavior and hopefully that's the end of that.  Also, tantrums will definitely diminish in duration if you're consistent enough in ignoring them, because kids eventually understand that when you turn way it means you are NOT giving in.  All in all, when it comes to choosing between safety and tantrum-like behaviors, one should definitely go for the former.  What's 2-5 minutes of tolerating screaming and crying when compared to an emergency room visit?  Been there, done that! (plenty of times...) I'll take the screaming anytime.  At least a tantrum only takes 5 minutes to go away (and no medication to administer!).

The Truth About Television

Recent research explains the effects of television for children under two years old, but for the older crowd, it's not so bad after all.  It is more a matter of maintaining a quality check and control the time of exposure.  Parents and caretakers should determine how much screen time is enough for their child considering they should also be exposed to outdoor play, family events, sports and other social activities.  (By screen time, I mean activities that involve sitting in front of a screen; such as watching TV, playing video games or sitting in front of a computer.)  It is extremely important that children develop skills that will help them thrive as social individuals, so they need to communicate verbally (not through texting) to other human beings.  Also, they need to develop real relationships with real feelings and real people, which is only possible through constant human contact and not possible when screen time is excessive.  On the other hand, screen time provides a child with learning experiences, such as development of visual motor skills (video games), computer skills, language development and social skills (they learn these vicariously through a character's experience).  The fact of the matter is that children's television programs can be very educational in and of itself.  For example, programs such as Barney and Sesame Street provide a wealth of eduacational content.  Moreover, parents can use television scenes to explain or teach different types of appropriate behavior and feelings (also known as vicarious learning).  For example, the other day, while watching Problem Child, I found various scenes that were useful in teaching my oldest son appropriate behavior and how misbehaving affects other people's feelings.  Finally, screen time provides both, parent and child, with a space to relax and hopefully enjoy an individual activity.  Nonetheless, sharing screen time, like watching a program together or playing a video game, can be a a  priceless bonding opportunity.  Thus, classifying children's screen time as all bad is a bit drastic.... it's more a matter of controlling the quality and screen exposure time as well as making the best out of it.

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Keep it simple

So much to say, so little time...Communication with our children should be kept short and simple.  Specially if they're young, and their short attention span makes it difficult for them to pay attention to long sermons.  The rule of thumb is that children's attention span is, at most, one minute per year for things they find boring.  That is, a five year old's attention span is, at the most, five minutes.  If your communication seems too complicated and/or long, your child will only hear bla, bla, bla.  You are better off saying: "please pick up your room now," than explaining why it's necessary to clean the room and the consequences it will have latter on in life.  Thus, your chances of being heard increase greatly if you keep it simple.  It's definitely worth the try.

PD. By the way, this sometimes works with husbands too.....

The following video is a funny way of portraying all the things parents have to say and how bla, bla, blaish we sometimes sound to our kids.  No wonder we're exhausted at night.  Enjoy....

What about tolerance?

I constantly worry about the kind of society in which we are raising our kids.  Yesterday I found a note on my windshield wiper that was placed by my parking neighbor while I was parked at a mall.  It read something like this: "You are an animal at parking. Dumb. Dumb. Dumb. You don't know how to park your car."  I couldn't believe my eyes.  What kind of person would take the time to write this kind of note and put it in someone else's car?  Moreover, the alleged "crime" was parking one of my tires over the yellow line.  Not that big a deal, specially considering the narrow space available for parking.  We are living in a society were people are very defensive and have very limited amounts of patience and tolerance.  This is something worth worrying about considering that globalization makes the world "smaller" and even more patience and tolerance is necessary for us to survive and thrive.  Parents can definitely make a difference by teaching and modeling patient and tolerant behavior to their children.  For example, when driving, instead of being defensive and insulting, we can try to be patient and tolerant, specially if our kids are in the car.  It's true that some drivers make us run out of patience, but would it make a difference if you insult the person and get angry about it?  Not really.  Insulting the other driver isn't usually going to make him/her a better driver.  Instead, we can try to be more assertive, such as: "Next time you park, please try to stay inside your yellow line because I had trouble getting in my car."  A positive and assertive attitude fosters patience and tolerance, whereas an aggressive and negative attitude fosters intolerant behavior.  Considering the challenges our children face in today's society, it's a must that we teach them how to be assertive and tolerant.  What better way of starting than by showing them how it's done?   

Mistakes are for learning...

"If you have young children, give them help. guidance, and protection to the best of your ability, but even more important, give them space- space to be...Give them as much help and guidance as you can, but realize that you may also at times have to allow them to make mistakes" (A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle).  At times, when we are immersed in our parenting roles, we tend to forget the real nature of mistakes and try too hard to protect our kids from going down that road.  This is commonly known as overprotection and most of us, myself included, are guilty of it.  Worst yet, sometimes we don't realize that by overprotecting our children, we take away learning opportunities.  For example, the other day I went to my son's Pre-K classroom to celebrate his birthday.  Some of the children didn't like the sprinkles on the cupcakes and asked for my help in taking them out.  As I was starting to help them, the teacher asked me to please stop and explained that this was an excellent opportunity for them to practice visual motor skills.  Wow... I thought.  She was totally right.  How many times have I kept my sons from learning a new skill just by jumping in too quick?  Like for example, when they get into an argument with a friend, I should first try to let them solve it by themselves instead of intervening right away.  Also, when they show enthusiasm towards learning an advanced new skill, I should first let them try without my help instead of saying, "your not going to be able to do that, it's too hard for you."  Of course, I cannot beat myself up over past mistakes because the phrase: "mistakes are for learning" goes for parenting too.  However, next time I find it safe for my children to make a mistake, be it while trying out a new skill or solving a conflict, I will let them try first without intervening.  That is, as Eckhart Tolle brilliantly quoted in his book, I will give them space- space to be.

Lessons from a child #2

Yesterday was so cold that we couldn't ski.  It was snowing, windy, visibility was terrible and the temperature was in the teens.  It was so cold, that we couldn't even walk around in town for a long time before our toes got frozen.  Nonetheless, I sent my son to ski school.  Yes, it sounds cruel, but he was very excited to go and I didn't want to hold him back. Since we were not skiing, my husband and I decided to head over to the bunny slope to take some pictures and video.  After watching my mushroom man (as the instructors call the kids because they look like little mushrooms when they put on their helmets), come down with his class down the slope, the teacher approached me to request I bring him an extra layer because he was cold.  Of course he was cold.  I should've known.  It was freezing outside. I felt terrible.  I couldn't believe I didn't go skiing because it was cold, but I sent my son to ski school.  I felt sooooo bad that I signed him out at half day and took him home.  When he came out of the "parents are not allowed" zone in the ski school, he was crying because his hands and feet were soooo cold.  Poor thing.  He was freezing.  However, instead of being upset with me for sending him to ski school in such a cold day, he was happy and glad that I went to pick him up early.  I couldn't believe it, I was upset with myself for sending him and he was not upset with me.  Kids have a way of forgiving that very rarely you see in adults.  This moment was definitely a lesson for me.  Maybe we should stop holding grudges so much and be more forgiving like our children.... 

The Best in Me

There is something about my children that brings out the best in me.  When I'm tired; I'm cranky around my husband and friends, but usually not around my kids.  When I am stressed out I tend to loose my patience, but not that much with my kids.  When I feel sick and lie down, I still get up and help my kids if they need me.  There are very few people who always bring out the best in me and my two kids top that list.  I am not sure if it is because I know they depend on me or because I try to be a good role model.  Probably a little bit of both.  Children look up to their parents for guidance, support and comfort.  We are the best example they have of what a woman and a man should be.  They think we are perfect beings and learn all our moves.  No pressure, right?  Well, the good news is that children are very forgivable, so they give us plenty of chances to show them how to behave. 

Letting go

What a horrible feeling that is, leaving your child in ski school for the first time.  You walk inside the child sports center feeling happy and proud that your son is now of age to take skiing lessons and will soon be able to go skiing with you.  You proceed to rent boots, rent skis, pay for the class and buy whatever extra equipment is necessary for your child to be comfortable and warm.  Then, it's time to LET GO.  My son's "I'm very scared" facial expression broke my heart, but even though I could totally understand him, I had to be strong.  I kept on telling him: "Every thing is going to be alright.  Mommy and Daddy will pick you up in the afternoon and you will have lots of fun."  Once the teacher came to pick him up and take him "under the rainbow" in the "Parents not allowed zone," his facial expression changed.  Behind his somewhat watery eyes, I could see the courage and confidence that resulted from the support and comfort provided by me and his father.  Letting go is one of the hardest things for parents.  The lists of what if's is never ending.  After all, we are absolutely responsible for the well being of our children.  However, there are times when you just have to let go.  We cannot protect our children from everything all the time because if we do, they won't develop the necessary skills they need to thrive in our society.  Instead, we need to work hard to get them ready to survive and protect themselves and when they do, they will feel proud and develop a high self-esteem.  There is absolutely nothing more rewarding for a child than mastering a new skill, and this only happens when we let go.  My son was now ready to explore and eventually master a new skill by himself, skiing.  Even though it was hard for me to let go, especially when I saw the scared look on his face, I was confident that he was able and ready to survive and protect himself in this environment.  As I turned around to head back home my strong and confident facade faded and I was once again the worried mother who hoped her son had a rewarding experience.  But even though I worried, I was able to let go.  Three days have gone by since he started ski school and I have not yet regretted the decision to take him that first day.  I am not worried when I drop him off anymore, because the "I am so proud of myself" smile on his face every afternoon reminds me he was definitely ready for this experience.